Recently, I was hit with the shocking news that one of my cousins passed away. I must admit, this hit me terribly hard, and I cried in a way I haven’t cried in a long time.
As someone who deals with death often, this one hit me differently. There were so many emotions to process and feelings that I didn’t know existed. Nonetheless, taking intentional time to feel and process has been necessary for my healing. While I admit this was not something I learned from my family, it has been vital for me to learn and implement for my overall well-being.
What I had to Unlearn
I can recall my very first experience with death. I was extremely young and had not started school yet. My great-grandmother had passed away, and I remember hearing the adults talk about what happened. I remember aspects of that conversation like it was yesterday, as it will forever be engraved in my memory. I heard that an uncle was there to call the ambulance and how they all talked about it and how no one noticed I could hear everything spoken. The last part has been a big part of my life, but all those conversations I got to hear unnoticed, God would use to help me gain wisdom and understanding about things beyond my years.
Anyway, back to the story. ..
So, later, I recall attending the funeral at the family church on William Street in Orange, NJ. I sat next to one of my uncles and asked what was wrong with everyone. He put his arm around me and explained death to me. He further shared that everyone was grieving but also celebrating the life of my great-grandmother, his grandmother.
Over the years, I would watch my family grieve and celebrate the lives of loved ones who passed on in that same church and other family churches like Baltimore, MD. With such a large family, we unfortunately experience death too often. Not to mention, generally speaking, we are incorporated into an extremely large (international) church that is over a century old.
So you can imagine the number of funerals most have attended. In fact, there are times I have conversations with family members, and it seems they attend funerals more than anything else. More funerals than family functions or gatherings, more funerals celebrating life than time celebrating life amongst the living. It’s an odd thing.
But while I was growing up and experienced the loss of those closest to me, I always sat in that church in Orange, NJ (or Baltimore, MD) sitting beside an uncle with their arm around me, comforting me and ultimately handing me their handkerchief. I would watch and listen to family cry, share emotional stories (some showboat a little), sing songs of praise, and dance and shout unto the Lord, then ultimately enjoy the repast. When all is said and done, everyone leaves and goes back to life as they knew it.
This is how “we” deal with death. We funeralize and move on. It’s the unhealthiest thing I have ever come to learn. A family of believers in God and the wonderful working powers of Jesus, we speak that He shall heal our hearts and provide comfort to those who mourn, but never has there been talk of an actual healing process. Thus, I watched generations and generations deal with loss by becoming numb and moving on. The evidence has become unreconciled relationships, the inability to have tough conversations and openly talk about deep feelings without making a joke, using “Christianese,” or quoting something from the Bible. The true existence of self and personal emotions ceases to exist and becomes buried in the false sense of hope.
There is no doubt that Jesus is a healer and sends his spirit to comfort us. But for each of us, how will this experience occur?
It’s different for everyone and different at various stages in our journey, but we cannot and should not discount that God does move in a number of ways, and as much as we say He “uses his servants,” we should be open to using them however he sends them.
We have grief counselors and therapists for a reason. God uses these people to help us heal as He gives those He calls and sends the gift of healing.
These people, while not always popular in certain communities and cultures, are extremely helpful in helping us process emotions and feelings we didn’t even know existed. Uncovering and locking these feelings and emotions helps us to rightfully move through the stages of grief and toward the healing we deserve.
Let’s say since 9/11 and experiencing death in ways no one should ever witness, I have gained a new understanding and appreciation for how God sends help because seeing the things I saw back then sent my faith through a serious test. From this journey and many others, God would allow me to gain actually knowledge and understanding through experiences and education, to help others and pull on for myself when in need.
When my cousin passed, I was asked multiple times how I was doing. I was not OK. I knew I was not OK and was honest about how I felt. When I didn’t want to talk because I needed time to process, I was honest with those around me. I took inventory of what I felt and why I felt it and used my tools to deal with it rather than suppress it.
When I needed to be around people because I hit a certain stage in my grief, I was honest and open about it, then surrounded myself with others and also discussed how I needed them so we were on the same page. Plus, that helps everyone from asking every 10 minutes if I’m okay. There’s no guessing because I know I’m not, but I’m intentionally working through it. I’m not simply “moving on” or “getting over it.” I’m connected, present, and doing the work.
This year has been a tough year with the experience of more than my share of loss and grief. Loss is not always in the form of the death of a person. It can also come in the form of loss of friendships, changes or loss of careers or businesses, loss of income, loss of a pet, or sudden moves.
Since January, I’ve experienced all but one of these; for some, they came in multiple ways.
My Faith in God has kept me strong through it all, especially having to walk my friend through dying and being there until her last breath while closing down the transitional homes of my nonprofit at the same time. Talk about tough and testing one’s faith. Not long before that, I had a devastating fallout with a friend, followed by some terrible slanderous attacks on my character, while supporting multiple people I serve through life-altering experiences. These are all forms of loss and grief. But my Faith helped me understand that it wasn’t false hope and moving on that would get me through, I was doing the intentional work that would bring healing.
Because the truth is I cannot ask God to heal something that I am not ready to acknowledge and accept existed.
If I walked in what I witnessed and initially learned, I would have never been able to acknowledge the brokenness of my heart, the weariness of my soul, the anguish and battle in my mind, and the pain, weakness, and numbness (all at the same time) in my body for me to cry out to God to comfort and heal.
I mean, it’s all good to say He is a healer and comforter, but if you’re ALWAYS okay…if you’re ALWAYS fine…then how do you KNOW He is YOUR healer and comforter?
My pain and weakness…I acknowledge it every single time.
I cry to my God!
I KNOW Him for me to be a healer and comforter of the brokenhearted.
I KNOW Him for me to be my strength when I am weak.
I feel His love around me and am grateful when He sends His servants who obey His word and show up to comfort me in the flesh in my time of need, reminding me that He is there, listening, watching, and answering.
Today…I am more OK.
Today, I am Loved, Grieving, and Healing.
I am intentionally allowing myself to go through the process.
In doing so, I am able to maintain a healthy perspective and outlook on life, have healthy relationships with God, myself, and others, and continue to serve others, helping them to HEAL, LIVE, and GROW.
(Giving what’s Been Given)
To learn about Trauma and Grief Services, visit: https://shawandarandolph.com/coaching-services/
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